Holding big feelings for ourselves as parents

How do you do feelings? Especially big ones?

Do you fly off the handle, or shut down?

Do you ring a friend and blurt it all out or write about it? Do you pretend it isn’t
challenging, and when your partner asks how you are – you say, “fine!”

You probably do all these things, I know I do. So how can we hold big feelings for our
children when we can’t always do it for ourselves?

This is our session for the week.

My story

I’ve always been a door slammer – I love the dramatics of it all. My voice gets
blocked – so I slam doors to let everyone know I’m angry!!!!!!

I remember asking my boys to clean up after themselves in the kitchen, because I
was trying to make dinner – and there was stuff all over the bench in our small
kitchen, and there was no space.

I asked once, I asked twice, maybe even 5 times with a low growly voice – and then
SNAP! I went off like a firecracker. I put my arm over the bench and slid it over the
top so everything on the bench fell to the floor – smash, crash bang, glasses, plates,
even food.

“Now you’ve got a bigger job!” I yelled. Being ignored was a big trigger for me.

I’ve been slow to anger – but when I did – watch out.

I take it, I take it, I take it – then I can no longer take it.

Anger is often a challenge for women. Tears for men – that’s social conditioning for you.

 

What feelings were ok for you to feel as a child, and what weren’t?

Ask yourself that question.

Anger, sadness, frustration, shame, embarrassment, was it safe for you to make a
mistake? Happiness, joy, fun, laughter – most parents love this – but the darker
emotions are always worth considering. The shadow – what do we keep hidden.

Coming back to my story, I learnt to hide my feelings as a child. My mum was busy
and usually stressed about my father and the lack of care he showed us. I learnt not
to rock the boat and make things harder for her. I learnt to bottle my feelings up.

When I had my own boys, I knew that it was good for them to feel, and would
encourage tears, and validate their feelings – but when they fought, I would shut
down to them, ignore it, avoid it. My system didn’t know what to do with it.

When we hide our feelings within ourselves – unconsciously – then they
become triggers when our own children experience them.

 

The truth is this – no feelings are bad – they are all part of the human experience.

 

Anger – draws boundaries, signals something needs to change, teaches others how
we want to be treated, has been the catalyst for much change in the world.

Shame – comes from the conscience, it is a powerful signal to our system on what is
right and what isn’t. When others try to shame us – that is an opportunity for us to
reclaim our enoughness, free ourselves from other people’s opinions and can be the
catalyst for deep acceptance.

Frustration needs to be felt for us to overcome obstacles, change situations, or try
another way.

Fear – is a signal for danger – and really appropriate under certain conditions, and
when we have learnt to be fearful – about something that we can’t control – it is
inviting us into a necessary learning of sweet acceptance/ or change.

Anxiety – a big one these days. A pre-cursor to fear – a signal from your system to
get to know yourself better, do some work, something needs to change.

 

These are all feelings, often caught in the shadowlands – because we don’t like
feeling them, they feel uncomfortable – we try to hide them, distract ourselves from
them, put a lid on them HOWEVER – they are a part of the human condition.

 

Make a list

Two columns – on a piece of paper.

• What was ok to feel? What was not ok to feel?
• Reflect on your childhood, what was it ok to feel as a kid from each parent?
• What feelings in your child do you struggle to hold space for?
• Were you allowed to express this when you were little?
• Track your triggers? When does your child most trigger you?

That is a clue to your own shadowlands. The parts of us we prefer to keep hidden.

It’s a practice.

 

Practice being ok with what you feel.

Practice being ok with what your children feel – just sit in the space of allowing.

See this as a spiritual practice. Sit for 3 seconds in your struggle, 5 seconds – that is amazing,
notice and stay with it. Soothe yourself, by saying nice things to yourself – this too
shall pass, it’s ok to feel this way.

Ask the critical self to hop into the back seat of the car – don’t let IT drive you
through the shadowlands – let the kinder parts of you drive the car.

What do you notice when you do this? It changes! The storm passes and leaves a
deep calm.

When we suppress, we are prolonging the pain, what we resist – persists.

Practice being ok with your children’s feelings

Melt downs, public humiliations – the lot.

The calmer you are, the safer they feel, which means they can illicit that innate
healing and rebalancing of their system. From there they learnt to regulate and
resource themselves – not suppress.

The truth is all feelings are ok in the rainbow of emotions, it is all part of the human
experience.

In fact the darker shades are often the ones that lead to the greatest growth,
compassion and understanding of our fellow humans. It is hard to be compassionate
to someone else in their struggles if you have not felt that way yourself.

 

Feeling breeds understanding, understanding breeds compassion and compassion leads to a better world.

 

I am better at it these days – I can hold space for my husband, when he goes into his
dark cave, I can be ok when my boys are in pain – as for myself??? It’s a work in
progress.

 

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